"Is it God' grace? or is it actually my own hardwork?"

Yesterday evening, Rev. Budy asked us, the congregation, to have an honest look into ourselves and ponder upon the above question. He asked whether this question has crossed our minds before, and whether we know the seriousness of the fact that we are even asking such question. I can't help but nod in agreement.

Because I know this question so well - I've heard it so many times in my head. And as much as I would like to deny it, I cannot lie to myself that this is a clear proof that my faith wavers and staggers at times. Badly.

Of course then I always say to myself that I'm not the only one, aren't I? I mean, I'm sure many others have found that it is hard to stay true to faith, clinging strong on it, when trying times come, right? Truly isn't it hypocritical to say "oh the loss of my dearly beloved father is nothing to me; God gives and God takes away, right? Then God will take care of me" without the slightest tug to the strings of faith in our heart, causing us to wonder whether we will truly have a bright future of hope without having him around us along the road? I say it is only natural to doubt His love and grace at these kind of times! And it is rightly so.

But then again, it's not too hard to immidiately see two things, which is that:
1.) this kind of doubting is of a different kind to the kind of doubting that is being addressed by the original question by Rev. Budy above, and
2.) often, as it has been repeatedly confirmed by so many people, this kind of doubting leads to an even greater faith, greater testimony of it, and hence greater glory to God. And I fear that this great thing is the complete opposite to the effect of the below doubt,

which I'll call 'prideful doubt'.

Contrary to 'painful doubt' (I can't think of a better name for the doubting that arises from the previous scenario) above, 'prideful doubt' will not only shake our faith, it may actually kill it altogether.
Prideful doubt comes not in the times of sadness, loss, or any other pain. It does not come with apparent, obvious evil. Instead, it usually comes slithering behind or alongside apparent, obvious good - which often are good in themselves!

Now, before I go any further, do yourself a favour. Everytime something good happens to you, be extremely careful. As hard as it may be, always remember to kneel down and pray after every good thing that comes into your life. That'll not only keep you safe from the snares of The Serpent, but by God's grace, repel it altogether. Or else...

Help, LORD, for the godly man ceases to be,
For the faithful disappear from among the sons of men.
They speak falsehood to one another;
With flattering lips and with a double heart they speak.
May the LORD cut off all flattering lips,
The tongue that speaks great things;
Who have said, "With our tongue we will prevail;
Our lips are our own; who is lord over us?"

(Psalms 12:1-4)

Till next time.

"You've got a Friend"

"When youre down and troubled
And you need a helping hand
And nothing, whoa nothing is going right.
Close your eyes and think of me
And soon I will be there
To brighten up even your darkest nights.

You just call out my name,
And you know whereever I am
Ill come running, oh yeah baby
To see you again.
Winter, spring, summer, or fall,
All you have to do is call
And Ill be there, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Youve got a friend.

If the sky above you
Should turn dark and full of clouds
And that old north wind should begin to blow
Keep your head together and call my name out loud
And soon I will be knocking upon your door.

You just call out my name and you know where ever I am
Ill come running to see you again.
Winter, spring, summer or fall
All you got to do is call
And Ill be there, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Hey, aint it good to know that youve got a friend?
People can be so cold.
Theyll hurt you and desert you.
Well theyll take your soul if you let them.
Oh yeah, but dont you let them.

You just call out my name and you know wherever I am
Ill come running to see you again.
Oh babe, dont you know that,
Winter spring summer or fall,
Hey now, all youve got to do is call.
Lord, Ill be there, yes I will.
Youve got a friend.
Youve got a friend.
Aint it good to know youve got a friend.
Aint it good to know youve got a friend.
Youve got a friend."

~ James Taylor & Carole King

I just love this song so much. I loved it from the very first time I heard it.
Sometimes, though, I just wonder whether I can ever really be the kind of friend mentioned here...

Lord, Have Mercy

"Have mercy on me, O God, according to your unfailing love;
according to your great compassion
blot out my transgressions.

Wash away all my iniquity
and cleanse me from my sin.

For I know my transgressions,
and my sin is always before me.

Against you, you only, have I sinned
and done what is evil in your sight,
so that you are proved right when you speak
and justified when you judge.

"Let no man say when he is tempted, I am tempted of God: for God cannot be tempted with evil, neither tempteth he any man: But every man is tempted, when
he is drawn away of his own lust, and enticed." (Jas 1:13&14)

"Remember how the LORD your God led you all the way in the desert these forty years, to humble you and to test you in order to know what was in your heart, whether or not you would keep his commands." (Deut 8:2)

Surely I was sinful at birth,
sinful from the time my mother conceived me.

"I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do - I do not do, but what I hate - I do...
I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing....

So I find this law at work: When I want to do good, evil is right there with me. For in my inner being I delight in God's law; but I see another law at work in the members of my body, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within my members.

What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body of death?" (Rm 7)

Cleanse me with hyssop, and I will be clean;
wash me, and I will be whiter than snow.
Let me hear joy and gladness;
let the bones you have crushed rejoice.

"But the tax collector stood at a distance. He would not even look up to heaven, but beat his breast and said, 'God, have mercy on me, a sinner.'" (Luke 18:13)

Hide your face from my sins
and blot out all my iniquity.

Create in me a pure heart, O God,
and renew a steadfast spirit within me.
Do not cast me from your presence
or take your Holy Spirit from me.
Restore to me the joy of your salvation
and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me.

Save me from bloodguilt, O God,
the God who saves me,
and my tongue will sing of your righteousness.
O Lord, open my lips,
and my mouth will declare your praise.

You do not delight in sacrifice, or I would bring it;
you do not take pleasure in burnt offerings.
The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit;
a broken and contrite heart,
O God, you will not despise."

~ Psalm 51


Lord, Have Mercy..

Do not cast me away

... for it's August now, and the vow I made early on February this year had seen itself failing, with myself faltering, even falling at times. The burning passion and drive that came to me everytime I sit down to read His holy written words - real and strong as they are - could not keep me from my stumbles, and relapses and backslidings to my old nature.

I saw myself getting drawn to things that I should not get into, re-attached to things I have so sworn to detach myself from, and like a dog or a pig, I returned to my own vomit and wallowed back in my filth. Old familiar demons are closing in, and newer ones are coming as well. I know their stench all too well. They're friendly at the beginning.. but when I need them the most, they always leave me sinking deep in the mire of my own sins.

They will not win.

... but I am, quite frankly, tired. Almost lost hope. I thought I had it, you know, I finally have something worth living for... no... even dying for. And when it was strong, it was good. It was the best moments in my life. Until I started doing stupid things again, by my own assent.

What a boring life this has been, in which I see my days filled only by sin, and then forgiveness, and then relapses and backslidings again, only then to meet forgiveness again. And the cycle continues...

Do not cast me away, O Lord, O God.