... for it's August now, and the vow I made early on February this year had seen itself failing, with myself faltering, even falling at times. The burning passion and drive that came to me everytime I sit down to read His holy written words - real and strong as they are - could not keep me from my stumbles, and relapses and backslidings to my old nature.
I saw myself getting drawn to things that I should not get into, re-attached to things I have so sworn to detach myself from, and like a dog or a pig, I returned to my own vomit and wallowed back in my filth. Old familiar demons are closing in, and newer ones are coming as well. I know their stench all too well. They're friendly at the beginning.. but when I need them the most, they always leave me sinking deep in the mire of my own sins.
They will not win.
... but I am, quite frankly, tired. Almost lost hope. I thought I had it, you know, I finally have something worth living for... no... even dying for. And when it was strong, it was good. It was the best moments in my life. Until I started doing stupid things again, by my own assent.
What a boring life this has been, in which I see my days filled only by sin, and then forgiveness, and then relapses and backslidings again, only then to meet forgiveness again. And the cycle continues...
Do not cast me away, O Lord, O God.
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